It's not too late for me.......
I haven't written in so long because I thought I had nothing to say. I mean, when it's all about you and you've had enough of yourself, doesn't that mean others have too? Well I've come back but in a totally different capacity. Two things happened today. I graduated from my therapy and an old friend of my brother's from high school recently passed away at only 35 and I was fortunate enough to discover a blog written by one of his friends and his sister. As I read the facts of the heart wrenching battle of skin cancer he endured for over a year and the absolute unconditional love thrust forward by those writing the blog as well as those commenting to send prayers, I realized that while I'm one of the lucky ones and have a healthy family now, I don't want to wait until someone I love gets sick or finds tragedy to express my shear love and admiration for those around me. I also realized that even though I'm feeling more healthy mentally than ever in my life, the work that went into the therapy was just that work, hard work and graduating is only the beginning.
I think that people grieve in all sorts of ways and I realize now that my previous blog submissions were exactly that for me, a way for me to grieve the loss of my marriage, my innocence, myself. I'm not sure if all of the witty puns were to cover up the fact that my heart lay dead in my chest or if the angry political banter was an infection of the growing hatred for the way I was raised but something forced me to put it to paper so to speak. And the best part is that it helped and even though I'm a different person then only months ago, I find that the spirit of that person, the anger, the sadness, the depression were exactly the medicine that attributed to my getting better. I focused so on the negativity of the situation that I forgot to look at what was really happening to me……I was growing….out of all of the adversity and mistakes, I was growing to become someone better, stronger, wiser….better.
I have always felt that I had a certain genuine spirit and that my heart was bigger than most. I don't know exactly where I get this observation, however it came to me often as I would describe some of the asinine and rather frightening antics of my post-divorce youthfulness. I knew that the person being described was not the person I was nor was she the person that I wanted to be but I was "blowing off some steam" or "just having fun". Now that I've realized that the person that most excites me is here now, I know that my growth can be attributed to not only those "immortal" times but also to the encouragement of those who've supported me unconditionally. It is those who knew I needed some time to grieve and that all would be right once I realized the truth of my heart and direction. It was the patience of people like my friends Ty and Lisa and the forgiving spirit of Sheila, Cheree and Jessica that carried me though the roughest times. It was the courage of my brother and sister to hold back their judgments when they saw me spinning out of control. It was as if I was in a fast moving river current constantly teasing to jump down the waterfall and my friends and family were holding the rope tied around my waste. They would give me a little slack to see if I would grab onto a rock but as soon as I passed the rock, they would tighten the rope to pull me back again. It took a long time to realize that even though they were standing on the shore, they were not idle…..in fact, they were believing in me, waiting for me….praying for me. They were the rope that pulled me back in. Now, I've added a few other care-takers to the rope and although I've grabbed the rock and am finding my way back to shore, these new characters in my story have grabbed the rope with the rest to rescue me from the abyss of myself. There are my grandparents and mother and father who posses the ability to see the halo I wear so openly when I'm with them but still love me for the horns they know I conceal. There are friends like Gail and Paul who've shown what it can mean to make a connection and keep it forever and then there is my rock, the one I've clung on to….Chad, the bearer of all that's good who accepts me for the weaknesses I posses and teaches me the true meaning of unconditional love - the true meaning of loving someone and accepting that kind and unyielding love in return. There are of course countless others who have consoled me and helped me along the way and I have not forgotten you, I promise, because once in my heart, always in my heart.
How blessed I am……and better, how wonderful it is to express it before someone I love finds their way down the waterfall. I can tell you all, the ones I love and admire, that now it is my turn to hold the rope so if you must inch your way to the waterfall, I will be there to give you some slack when you need it and I will always be there to tighten the rope when you get to close to falling. Thank you and Happy Holidays. I love you all so very much!
posted by spy @ 4:01 PM
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